


Try Not To Feel

by healmycorruption



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Ficlet, Gen, Panic Attacks, negative, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:12:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9390476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/healmycorruption/pseuds/healmycorruption
Summary: Steven and Lapis vent together.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OtherworldlyCitizen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtherworldlyCitizen/gifts).



> A commission for otherworldlycitizen as part of my Fics for Donations series. For more info on that, go here: http://healmycorruption.tumblr.com/post/156084256304/super-desperate-fic-commission-time

The bubbling feeling was back again. It was an unwelcome feeling, a feeling that made Steven’s heart begin to race and his mind to go a million miles per hour while some mysterious force bubbled up from his abdomen, through his chest, up his throat. His breathing quickened, his vision fuzzed. He gripped his shirt tightly over his gem, searching his mind for any solid, positive thought, but everything that came to him made him feel worse. 

 

“Steven?” A soft voice called up to him, but he found that he couldn’t respond.  _ This isn’t like you _ , a quiet voice in his mind said. It wasn’t, he knew it wasn’t, but the feeling wasn’t going away. He gripped his hair in his hands, drawing his knees to his chest and closing his eyes tightly. There was a brief sound of flowing water before someone landed softly next to him.

 

“Steven, what’s wrong?” Lapis was next to him, crouched down to his level. 

 

“I-I don’t,” he said shakily, bringing his hands around his knees, “I don’t know, everything was fine and then I started thinking and now, I don’t know.”

 

“What sort of things were you thinking about?” Lapis asked gently.

 

“Everything, everything bad that’s happened and that’s going to happen now,” he said. “Every time I try to help someone it gets worse. Garnet and Pearl hide things from me still, so I’ll never know the full reason gems want to kill me when they think I’m my mom, and Yellow Diamond still wants the Earth to be destroyed. Nothing is going to get better, Lapis.”

 

Lapis sat silently for a moment, looking over him sadly before placing a hand on one of his and gently holding it. Steven didn’t resist, but he felt his eyes begin to burn with tears. Lapis drew her hand back quickly.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched you, I’m so sorry,” she said frantically and he shook his head, his tears flowing freely.

 

“It’s not you, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Steven choked out before breaking down completely, sobbing..

 

Uncertainly, she brought her hand back to his and held it. “I think I understand how you feel, in a way. No matter what I do, it hurts people. I don’t belong anywhere I go. Now I just… try not to do anything at all. Try not to feel anything, either.”

 

Lapis sat patiently with him as he cried it all out. All his frustrations over being lied to repeatedly, his fears, and his pain poured out of him until he felt more numb than anything. His head began to ache and he felt exhausted. 

 

“Lapis, you shouldn’t bottle up your feelings,” he said weakly, wiping his face on the back of his hand. 

 

“Feels better than being angry and sad,” she replied.

 

“It’s not good for you. You deserve to feel angry about everything that happened, and you’re allowed to forgive yourself for bad things you’ve done,” Steven’s voice was stronger now, but he was still obviously drained. Lapis’ eyes met his, and he could see all of the misery she had buried deep down.

 

“It’s like you said, nothing is going to get better,” she sighed.

 

“I don’t know why I said that. We will fight, and things will be okay. You can talk to me,” he said, gripping her hand tightly. 

 

“You’ve been trying very hard to help me, Steven, and I appreciate that. But sometimes you can’t help everyone.” Lapis adjusted herself so that she was laying on her back, staring up at the barn ceiling.

 

“But if you really want me to talk, I’ll talk. I hate being trapped on Earth, but I have nowhere else to go. You’re my only real friend here. There’s Peridot, and while a big part of me cares about her, another part of me refuses to forget that she interrogated me and is responsible for me being stuck here again,” Lapis’s eyes looked hollow as she worked to keep a calm and collected voice, “I can’t bring myself to forgive anyone. I can’t forgive her for that. I can’t forgive the others for keeping me in the mirror, knowing I was there. I can’t forgive myself for Malachite.”

 

“Lapis, Malachite wasn’t all you--”

 

“Yes, Steven, it was,” she snapped, “The moment Jasper realized what was happening, she tried to unfuse, and I wouldn’t let her. She was too weak to hurt any of us. I just wanted to feel in control for once, and I got carried away.”

 

“But you can admit what you did was wrong, and that’s good, Lapis! Everyone does bad things sometimes, but you’re allowed to forgive yourself for it,” Steven said.

“Maybe I don’t want to forgive myself. It’s easier to just pretend nothing is wrong. I’m tired of feeling miserable,” Lapis said with a sigh, stretching her arms above her head, “I’m sorry for snapping at you. Wanna watch Camp Pining Hearts?”

 

Steven looked at her sadly. She had endured thousands of years of misery, so it was no real surprise that she didn’t want to deal with it. He hoped someday she would open up more and deal with the pain, but maybe she was right. Maybe it was just easier to pretend nothing was wrong, at least for now. 


End file.
